It's not that I don't know

Love hurts people. I think I have been in love twice. The first time hurt fiercely because I loved him and I screwed it up, I loved him... I did it. The second one because my heart has been completely crushed.
That has never really happened to me! I wonder now has everyone else been through this heartbreak? My sister says you all have I'm just getting it late in life. To that I say, I wish I had been through this before. I'm getting old and I'm already a very emotional gal.
I just pray I can move forward. This is hard! Loving someone that pounces on me like my feelings are disposable. It's a learning experience.
I guess I will look back someday and smile or laugh. But right now... I feel like an eighth grader crushed from a crush. Remember how bad those hurt? A million times over is what I feel in my head and heart.
Confusion about it all too. Then I just have to remember that alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease. But then again that is what has let him back in everytime. So I can't spend to much time on that. I have to remember that I CAN'T HELP OR SAVE HIM.
God will show me what to take from this, right?

Morning thoughts...Now get busy!

     The dryer turns and the Today show sounds like noise I am not really listening to. Thoughts of the Algebra homework I need to do dance in my head with little mischievous smiles. My guts are bulging out from the top of my short shorts and my bleach job is half gone. All these things I should be doing weigh me down and pull at me. I don't know why...they are just things! But all they same they do. I feel like I'm always trying to get "things" done, and I never do. It can be over whelming even though it shouldn't be.
     I'm hard on myself. So I am alittle heavy  in the middle and I am not very good at getting to that closet full of winter clothes because I am afraid of the spiders that may live there. So what right? I wish I felt that way! But I constantly have a nag in my mind of how I am a slacker. That I should be running the track and look cute all the time.
     Focus Cheryl! Make a list and stick to it. Get off this computer and do your homework. Clean closets in the morning and spend ten dollars on a box of hair color. (I just noticed walk the track was no where in that last list) see....and THAT even bothers me. Thank God I'm not perfect and I'm not suppose to be.

I don't care what you think!

       I spend some time most days wondering how other people live their daily lives. Comparing myself I guess. I find myself looking to others idea of happiness to measure mine. I don't know why my whole life has been filled with worry of what other people think about me, my lifestyle and my appearance. Why can't I just make a statement like " oh were doing fine" or " things aren't going so great", without trying to explain and sugar coat things. It seems I feel like I always have to explain. I have fear of people thinking I'm not doing perfectly well and making the right decisions ALL the time.
       When really I bet other people have very imperfect lives, I just don't know it. My focus today is in this order; building my spiritual contact with my higher power,work on my marriage and myself, my family and my education and the future. I can't worry about anything else.
      "It's none of my business what other people think".

Be strong forgive Gandhi did

Forgiveness...is the renunciation or cessation of resentment,indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, disagreement, or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt'.

So if I forgive I am not to punish one again for it, and not bring it up daily or regularly. That's the hard part. If I say I will forgive you, I am also saying I wont make you feel like a piece of crap regularly. Ok so I am willing to try. The hard part is sticking to it and I think as the "forgiver" I have to. Its like I'm lying if I don't. I cant say it and not do it. Its a commitment of sorts.

In premarital classes I learned that in the Bible, somewhere...it says "how many times should we forgive"? And the answer a Daily double...728 or something like that. To me that means, one should forgive no matter what. I learned in the class before I got hitched that infidelity is forgivable.  At the time I thought..OH NO ITS NOT! But it is. Not once a week or anything. But if I love someone and they make a mistake I can forgive. I am not perfect either and I sure hope that folks forgive me when I mess up, and I have ALOT! And I bet will again, alot probably.

It goes back to I'm not God. I will not judge anyone else. I often think about the old saying... well I cant remember it but its something about walking in someone elses shoes. Ya know there are times someone asks me how I am and I say "fine", but I'm not! One never knows what someone else is going through. So when people screw up, maybe there is something behind it, a reason they aren't doing well or making the right decisions, so don't be so quick to judge or write someone off. Maybe you can help them. I think it is our job to try. I think that's what we are all here for. To help each other.

Gandhi

Oh yes there is pain in life. Can ya put it aside and help someone in need? The best way to forget my own troubles is to help someone else with theres. It's called "getting out of self".

Blowing in the wind

Well, once again I haven't written in a long while. My thoughts and emotions are really jumbled up these days. Half the time I trust myself and the most of the time I don't.  Are mistakes really how one is suppose to learn in this life? If that is the case..I have learned VERY much. Except I havent! I don't know which way is up or down. I don't know if I am making the right choices. I don't know if I should just go with things and not worry when I am in serious doubt. Maybe I'm just a worrier...That's what I tell myself. That way I can at least have some piece of mind sometimes and not always be second guessing myself. Relief from MYSELF! Now that's a psychological disorder! And I thought my "order disorder" was bad.

I just read this first paragraph as it was a draft I had started a few weeks ago. Funny thing is I came here to start a blog (not remembering this draft) about asking God questions and for help with decisions. I have figured out what I do! I look up to the sky weather its sunny and breezy with white clouds smeared across it or drizzly, I look up and I whisper my question to God and picture my question going up and either blowing around in the wind in an upward spiral or going out into the rain and evaporating into the air that we all breathe until it one way or another reaches the puppet master.

Thing is I don't know how the answer comes back to me. I think its just the letting it go up the air part that makes me feel that whatever I decide is his answer to me. I mean if one just sits around and doesn't EVER make a decision nothing in this life will ever evolve!

So today God I ask you, Up there in the clouds, sky and air, "will you blow the answer down to me?" Sometimes I get so lost and indecisive that I cant even decide on beef or chicken. Good thing there is always enchiladas.