Love... Yes I guess it can be real. But I don't think I have found it yet. I think I have to look inside myself for it. Maybe that's the answer to my riddle. Wanting someone to share your life with and feeling the NEED are two different things. At any rate, at this point I am not looking "outside" of me for fulfillment. If it comes along great and if it doesn't great.

It's not that I don't know

Love hurts people. I think I have been in love twice. The first time hurt fiercely because I loved him and I screwed it up, I loved him... I did it. The second one because my heart has been completely crushed.
That has never really happened to me! I wonder now has everyone else been through this heartbreak? My sister says you all have I'm just getting it late in life. To that I say, I wish I had been through this before. I'm getting old and I'm already a very emotional gal.
I just pray I can move forward. This is hard! Loving someone that pounces on me like my feelings are disposable. It's a learning experience.
I guess I will look back someday and smile or laugh. But right now... I feel like an eighth grader crushed from a crush. Remember how bad those hurt? A million times over is what I feel in my head and heart.
Confusion about it all too. Then I just have to remember that alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease. But then again that is what has let him back in everytime. So I can't spend to much time on that. I have to remember that I CAN'T HELP OR SAVE HIM.
God will show me what to take from this, right?

Morning thoughts...Now get busy!

     The dryer turns and the Today show sounds like noise I am not really listening to. Thoughts of the Algebra homework I need to do dance in my head with little mischievous smiles. My guts are bulging out from the top of my short shorts and my bleach job is half gone. All these things I should be doing weigh me down and pull at me. I don't know why...they are just things! But all they same they do. I feel like I'm always trying to get "things" done, and I never do. It can be over whelming even though it shouldn't be.
     I'm hard on myself. So I am alittle heavy  in the middle and I am not very good at getting to that closet full of winter clothes because I am afraid of the spiders that may live there. So what right? I wish I felt that way! But I constantly have a nag in my mind of how I am a slacker. That I should be running the track and look cute all the time.
     Focus Cheryl! Make a list and stick to it. Get off this computer and do your homework. Clean closets in the morning and spend ten dollars on a box of hair color. (I just noticed walk the track was no where in that last list) see....and THAT even bothers me. Thank God I'm not perfect and I'm not suppose to be.

I don't care what you think!

       I spend some time most days wondering how other people live their daily lives. Comparing myself I guess. I find myself looking to others idea of happiness to measure mine. I don't know why my whole life has been filled with worry of what other people think about me, my lifestyle and my appearance. Why can't I just make a statement like " oh were doing fine" or " things aren't going so great", without trying to explain and sugar coat things. It seems I feel like I always have to explain. I have fear of people thinking I'm not doing perfectly well and making the right decisions ALL the time.
       When really I bet other people have very imperfect lives, I just don't know it. My focus today is in this order; building my spiritual contact with my higher power,work on my marriage and myself, my family and my education and the future. I can't worry about anything else.
      "It's none of my business what other people think".

Be strong forgive Gandhi did

Forgiveness...is the renunciation or cessation of resentment,indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, disagreement, or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt'.

So if I forgive I am not to punish one again for it, and not bring it up daily or regularly. That's the hard part. If I say I will forgive you, I am also saying I wont make you feel like a piece of crap regularly. Ok so I am willing to try. The hard part is sticking to it and I think as the "forgiver" I have to. Its like I'm lying if I don't. I cant say it and not do it. Its a commitment of sorts.

In premarital classes I learned that in the Bible, somewhere...it says "how many times should we forgive"? And the answer a Daily double...728 or something like that. To me that means, one should forgive no matter what. I learned in the class before I got hitched that infidelity is forgivable.  At the time I thought..OH NO ITS NOT! But it is. Not once a week or anything. But if I love someone and they make a mistake I can forgive. I am not perfect either and I sure hope that folks forgive me when I mess up, and I have ALOT! And I bet will again, alot probably.

It goes back to I'm not God. I will not judge anyone else. I often think about the old saying... well I cant remember it but its something about walking in someone elses shoes. Ya know there are times someone asks me how I am and I say "fine", but I'm not! One never knows what someone else is going through. So when people screw up, maybe there is something behind it, a reason they aren't doing well or making the right decisions, so don't be so quick to judge or write someone off. Maybe you can help them. I think it is our job to try. I think that's what we are all here for. To help each other.

Gandhi

Oh yes there is pain in life. Can ya put it aside and help someone in need? The best way to forget my own troubles is to help someone else with theres. It's called "getting out of self".

Blowing in the wind

Well, once again I haven't written in a long while. My thoughts and emotions are really jumbled up these days. Half the time I trust myself and the most of the time I don't.  Are mistakes really how one is suppose to learn in this life? If that is the case..I have learned VERY much. Except I havent! I don't know which way is up or down. I don't know if I am making the right choices. I don't know if I should just go with things and not worry when I am in serious doubt. Maybe I'm just a worrier...That's what I tell myself. That way I can at least have some piece of mind sometimes and not always be second guessing myself. Relief from MYSELF! Now that's a psychological disorder! And I thought my "order disorder" was bad.

I just read this first paragraph as it was a draft I had started a few weeks ago. Funny thing is I came here to start a blog (not remembering this draft) about asking God questions and for help with decisions. I have figured out what I do! I look up to the sky weather its sunny and breezy with white clouds smeared across it or drizzly, I look up and I whisper my question to God and picture my question going up and either blowing around in the wind in an upward spiral or going out into the rain and evaporating into the air that we all breathe until it one way or another reaches the puppet master.

Thing is I don't know how the answer comes back to me. I think its just the letting it go up the air part that makes me feel that whatever I decide is his answer to me. I mean if one just sits around and doesn't EVER make a decision nothing in this life will ever evolve!

So today God I ask you, Up there in the clouds, sky and air, "will you blow the answer down to me?" Sometimes I get so lost and indecisive that I cant even decide on beef or chicken. Good thing there is always enchiladas.

PRIORITIES

It's been awhile since I've written anything except break up love letters. My plate has been full and my cup has runneth over and down over the table and out the front door. My heart and soul have been wounded and my self doesn't trust my self right now. Every situation in my life has taught me more and more to trust my own instincts. They are always right!

Oh I'm not sorry or full of regrets. I'm just disappointed. I think I can tend to ignore the flags because I don't want to see them. To thine own self be true. That to me means don't live in the idea of how good you WANT things to be. See things for what they are and if your not happy about something don't act like it didn't happen! Recognize it and see it for what it is. We can especially do this in relationships. Don't make someone a priority that makes you an option! I think I want so much to be in love and happy that I forget how deserving I am. I forget I'm worth it. My expectations aren't too high! I used to say " I don't care what number I am, but can I at least get a number!! Now I say I need to be very high on the list!

Now that this "season" of my life has past I want to focus on my family for they love me unconditionally. I hate that I have put them on the back burner. That is a prime example of making someone else a priority.

So I will look forward to finding my way in this world with my family by my side. The rest is all an option.

Ok all smushy bullshit aside I can't wait to be with the three people I love most in this world! Those Smith boys. They saved my life :)

The things I saw and felt Easter Sunday

Today is Easter and the first time I think I have absolutely not celebrated it in some way. Weather it was hunting eggs as a kid or painting them as an adult. Then there was the year I was the VERY hungover Easter Bunny. No reason in particular that I did nothing this year. But the ironic thing is, it's the first year I thought about what Easter is really about and so I guess really it's the first year I HAVE celebrated it!

I started my day by watching a sermon on TV about Jesus rising from his resting place (or "tomb" for a lack of a better term). I found it very interesting as I have these last few weeks. The other night I caught the beginning of the Crucifixion in "The Passion of the Christ". I had seen it at the theater before with my parents. But this time it brought more tears to my eyes. Also I found myself watching sermons on Facebook and Youtube of a friend of mine that speaks the words of the Bible. She has helped me through some trying times in the last year.

 I don't know, but I feel a sense to understand more exactly what is, this God I have not believed in my whole life. I have found God in Sobriety. That I know. But I want to know more about Jesus. How could I have just said I don't believe, when I don't even know the details of the story?

So after the sermon on TV this morning I contemplated church for a couple of hours, then I took a walk. I thought what better church is there than on "Gods green earth" right? I saw things in a different light. I thought of the what little I know of the story of Jesus. And I consciously thought of the pain he endured for his beliefs, how far he was willing to go...to his death.

I thought of many other things too. About religion in general, church, my baptism, faith and I prayed alot, all morning in fact. I have never done that in my life. I thought about how so many people for so many years could possibly believe this story if it wasn't true! I mean there cant be not one person on this ENTIRE earth who hasn't heard of Jesus and his story!! NOT ONE. Think about that. They don't all believe it....but they have all heard of him.

I found my spirit full of peace this morning during my walk. I felt like nothing really mattered except the rain that was falling on my head. OH YES! I started my walk while it was raining. I didn't get caught out in it. I was drawn out in it.

The yellow brick road

Follow your heart? Or follow your head? Follow your instincts? Follow the leader? Follow suit? Hell....Follow the yellow brick road!  Who or what am I suppose to follow? And why do I have to follow anything?  There is no book on this stuff. I wish there was sometimes. My horoscope tells me I am a leader not a follower...So I WILL DECIDE what to follow.

I have learned there is no right answers. NONE! Because we will never know what would have happened had we taken a different path or made a different decision. Because (I believe) if we change one thing it causes everything else to change. For example...If you were going to pick dog number 8 to win the race and chose 4 instead and 8 won, well had you chose 8 he probably wouldn't have won. You get my point. We will never know how things would have played out had we done things differently. In this case you would have had to "follow your instincts".

Following your head will get you in trouble too. This is where we OVER analyze everything. Like there is a right or wrong answer to everything. And there is just NOT! We will second guess ourselves and kick our own asses if things don't work out right after all our carefully calculated decisions to take that other job or sell our house OR trade in our cars! I love my KIA and don't regret it for a second :) It makes me smile and that is the point.

So I think the answer really is to not worry so much about whats right and wrong but enjoy the moment you are happy you made that decision. Hell if it don't work out kick yourself then! But don't spend all your time wondering and worrying about your judgment. We shouldn't  be so hard on ourselves. Don't worry about the destination and enjoy the ride. If you don't like the destination once you get there you can keep going and CHANGE IT!

In the long run I think nothing  really matters except where our heart is in this life. This is all just stuff!



Me on a good day.
Oh, I have bad ones too



And I believe we are all here for each other. What other reason could there be? I mean really? To save the freagin' trees?? Really? Really? Help someone today. Smile at someone. Do something you wouldn't normally do (something nice) I don't mean rob a bank!!  Things can always be worse. So freagin' CHEER UP. And make a decision. Wrong or right. JUST DO IT. My friend says if you don't know what to do, don't do anything...I don't know. Seems like you'd always be sitting in the same place if you did nothing. I say...your gonna be doing something anyway....so DO SOMETHING :)

Which brings me to the "Yellow brick road".  Where the hell is that road? AND who the hell is the wizard?

Look up

The things we can't see. It's hard to believe in something we cant see. Or we don't understand. Or even something we do see that's so strangely beautiful we wonder who made it possible.

The electricity works. It makes all kinds of things work, yet most of us don't know how. And all the newest technology who could possibly understand how that works. But it does and we don't think about it for more than a second. We just trust that it will all work. Better yet we don't even really care what makes it work.



Look at the spots inside



In the spring trees grow leaves and flowers bloom, the air starts to warm and the rain falls. And yes there is a scientific explanation for it all. But look closely at that flower and how fragile and uniquely beautiful it is.

Who can explain that? Who or what is responsible for that?

The earth could just turn and the sun shine in the morning and fade in the evening. But it doesn't it has a face. Some mornings the daybreak and sunrises are so bright and exciting. Other days its a low lit, calming effect. Then the sunset shows it many faces with aw. How many times have we looked at it and said to our partner ..LOOK!

What about the moon its been so dramatic we've had to get on the phone and tell our friends to look at the moon!

When we have had very close calls in life. Don't you wonder what, why or who saved your ass? 



A Volcano from an airplane looks amazing, but then I looked up
instead of down. I wondered what else was out there.....



Next time you fly in an airplane and look down at that small world of people, trees, cars, mountains, volcanoes and life on earth. Think about this....Look up! I think there is always something bigger, we just cant see it.

What about an ant?

The sun shines on him....he trusts that it will,

but he cant see it !!

Acceptance is the key

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life -unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake."

It's hard to "accept". But it's so very true. Especially when it's situations you can't change anyway. I just have to ACCEPT it.
My father is in prison and I hate the whole situation, why he's there, how long he will be there, that he may die there. BUT.. I have to accept it.
Most of my family lives in another state and it sucks. But right now it has to be that way.
I want to open a cafe, I can't right now.
My puppy is eating away at my leather couch.
I have some life long medical problems from an auto accident.
I'm not real happy with how my hair has changed over the years ( and my teeth).
I want to go to Italy and Nicaragua, I can't right now.
Gas is TOO expensive and will be for awhile I guess.
Our country is going to hell!
I want to get married and live "happily ever after".
I dislike very much the way Walmart has run small business's out.
I can't have my own children.
I'm short.
I miss those childhood Christmas's at my Nanny & Papa's.
My parents want to be cremated when they die.
People are idiots and inconsiderate too.
Minimum wage is ridiculously TOO low.
I miss my best friends.
If everyone that had to much money gave some to someone that didnt we would all be ok.
There are too many homeless and hungry children in this country and we continue to give everyone else our help and adopt from other countries.
There are too many addicts and alcoholics in prison that would greatly benefit from a recovery program, and in fact may not be there had they recieved help.
The IRS sucks!
Our Education system is failing and it shows.
Crime is out of control.

Some of those things I guess I could contribute to changing.
But mostly  I just have to accept.

TRUST~ reliance on another person or entity.

I know I want to write abit about this word, what it means and how I feel about it. But suddenly I don't "trust" my fingers to say whats in my head. Another word that comes to mind right now is "honesty". I wonder how honest I can be about how I feel about trust! The two words go hand and hand don't they? I mean I can only trust honest people right? I have to be "honest" with myself and "trust" my own instincts.

This trust thing is tricky. Its not healthy to not be able to trust ANYONE. But...its dangerous to trust too much. And we learn one from the other. I mean...Ive trusted too much and learned not too. Now I find I am having trouble trusting and that's proving to be very unhealthy for my relationship, and my sanity!

So...I guess the reason I'm writing about this issue is because.. "It is an issue". I mean it is truly a struggle everyday. But I am determined to let things roll off my back. Ya know, sometimes I think to myself "just trust it, don't worry about it and if your wrong you can worry about it then". But that's just stupid!! If I wait to worry about someone being dishonest after I have trusted them then they will screw me over and it will be MY FAULT! and I will say to myself again "you knew better Cheryl!" But on the other hand.....Think of what I will learn if I trust someone and they are honest and worthy of my trust in them. That is truly the only way I will learn to trust again. To JUST DO IT!

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
Ernest Hemingway

The gray area

Sometimes I think about this area. The "Gray area". I think too many things are black and white. There are always circumstances to every event in life. But I don't think people think about this. Lets see if I can give an example.

I know it's wrong for people to rob and steal, cheat and lie and so forth. But think about this for a minute.

A guy robs a store things get out of control he freaks out and shots someone. Lets see. The guys name is Andy. Andy has been out of work for sometime and has kids to feed. Hes depressed, hes started drinking to deal with it. Hes on probation because hes been in some trouble before. If he gets in trouble again he will go to prison. He has fines, court fees and all kinds of dues to pay (or he will go to jail). He is married has two kids and his wife has been ill for some time and needs medical attention they can't afford. Yes hes made a bad decision to rob a store. He thinks he can get about 500.00 and get food and maybe his wife to a doctor.  He has no other means for money, his family is poor. Hes looked for work and has many applications put in all over the place. Even if he gets a job soon. He needs the money
 YESTERDAY. He has many bills to pay. The electric is off and soon the water will be. He will never do it again and prays to not get caught. Hes made this decision last minute and knows he will regret it but understands at the same time what leads people down this road of robbery...desperation.

Someone walks in the store while hes begging the guy to just hurry up and give him the cash and no one will get hurt. The guy that scares him is a thug with a gun and pulls it out. Afraid for his life Andy  reacts and shoots him. The store owner then pulls a gun and yells at Andy to put down the gun. Now the cops show up and there are bullets flying. Before its over Andy has been wounded and shot two people. Hes going to prison.



Prison from the "outside"



To everyone that knows nothing about Andy, hes a hardened criminal and a murderer that should go to prison for the rest of his life.. To his family he's their brother and husband that in desperation and stupidity got caught up. To the system he should rot in hell. To Andy he's a looser that couldn't provide for his family. His wife will get more ill and not be able to tend to their children. The kids will go to the state. The wife will die. Andy will become a different person in prison and learn an attitude he would have never otherwise and try a few more drugs and ways to cheat and steal too. He may be raped or stabbed while incarcerated. All of these things will change many lives because of his desperate situation and stupid decision. Never the less....To one side of the story hes a bad guy. To the other side hes a good guy that had a bad day, week or life.

There is Always a gray area. Don't be the judge of others.



The Gurney Unit in Tx. (prison)



Yes I know, you would have NEVER done what Andy did! But you also think you will never be in the same predicament. I think being open minded could make this world a better place.

That homeless guy on the corner...You DON'T know how and why he got there. Don't assume you do. The drunk guy on the corner, the guy on the news your screaming at should be strung up by his toes or stoned to death, you DON'T know about the gray area so shut up. Yes I said that! Shut your mouth take a minute and imagine what could have possibly happened for situations to get so bad.

Oh I know there are plenty of bad people that deserve to be in jail for the rest of there lives. But not everyone does. And just because the guy is begging for a quarter doesn't make him a bad person. I think it makes some of us bad people to know we have four quarters in our pockets and cant part with one no matter what the reason!! What do you think were all here for? Two options. To help or hurt? It has to start somewhere.

I'm no Saint either. Just trying to get better. PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION :)

Hillbilly's at Walmart



Remember it pays good



I have a part time job giving out samples on weekends (usually at Walmart Ugh!) I enjoy it because it pays good and that's about the only reason really. I have been taking notice lately of the shoppers. If you have seen those pics online, of Walmart  shoppers that aren't dressed for leaving the house and laughed your ass off....DON'T! It's all true those people live and breath and shop in public like that. Their butts hanging out and everything. Its REAL. I saw three hillbilly's the other day in the produce section and I couldn't help but stare! And they looked oblivious to what I was staring at. I don't know but, there is something different about real people and real hillbilly's.

Ok so then this pleasant older gentleman comes over and  I say " would ya like a sample today sir?" and he goes..."ya I guess, ...I lost my wife". I am thinking ok...he lost her in Walmart or she died, what's the safest thing for me to say here. So I say " How long ago?" and he says " September"! Whew...glad I didn't suggest he go look in the potato chip isle or something stupid!!!

The Graveyard

I was there a few days ago. At this beautiful church named after an Indian tribe called "Seneca Cayuga". It is an old church and burial ground. It has a feeling of resting in peace. I was there last summer hired to take wedding pics. I go there once in awhile when I feel the need to connect with heaven in some way. It gives me the feeling that someone is right there listening to my thoughts. Its right on the lake too.  I watched the bald eagles flying without a care in the world. And I wondered did they know how they had added to the serenity I find there.

It was a sad day for me. I was feeling down and out. All of my own making of course. "They" say (whoever THEY are) that no one else can "make" you feel anyway. We feel how WE feel. I say BULLSHIT! He said something that made me cry! It's an emotion. I can't just decide to not cry. I can however decide how long I will cry. And how long I will be pissed off about it.  This day I chose to wallow in it for a few hours. Then with the amazement of the three eagles and their nest across the lake and  my phone ringing non stop I decided I could continue to live. Someone cared the phone was a sure sign of that. Along with the  combination of the Seneca Cayuga spirits and dancing eagles I would not be joining the dead anytime soon.

I decided I didn't want to live there yet  ........ in the graveyard that is.

You deserve it more than anyone I know :)

What's on my mind today? Family, friends and the most important person in my life! 

One of the things that I have found myself thinking about lately is the people in my life I have wronged. Or hurt their feelings. People I crapped on because I was selfish and self centered. Family that I took for granted. I am doing my best to "right my wrong doings". Making amends, clearing the air, cleaning up my side of the street. Ya know, the hard part most people think is fear of those we have wronged not accepting our apologies or fear of facing those people. For me it is some of that. But mostly I am just learning part of my problem is admitting that I am/was wrong! I think it comes from a feeling of needing to be perfect. From not talking about things when I was growing up. Where I come from you just didn't talk about things. Especially if it's something BIG. It was like if we don't talk about it, it's really not happening or it didn't happen. Which in turn I think made me feel like it wasn't ok for things to go wrong. Like that's why we shouldn't talk about it. We hid things I guess. I don't know why. But I am glad to know that's why I feel the need to not admit I am wrong. Does any of that make sense to anyone else?

So I have been making amends. I have a long list. Some of the folks I feel the need to speak to may not think it's anything that even needs to be brought up. But to me, I have to let them know that I acknowledge my wrong doing and how selfish I was. It makes me feel better to know I am on the right path and want to go forward  and have a clean slate to start being the person I want to be. To leave that old life behind. I feel the need to let people know THAT is not who I am ...THIS is.

In doing this I have realized that one of the most important things I need to do is talk to my mother. Why was she not the first one on my list? I know over the years I have said I am sorry to her for being a brat. But of all the people in the world she put up with more crap from me than anyone. Why? Because shes my mom. She will always be there for me no matter what and so I guess I took that for granted too. I just assumed she knew how regretful and sorry I am for the hurt I have caused her. Lately I have thought about going to her and sitting down and spelling out that I know how much I hurt her when I was younger. I know that it would be very emotional for both of us and we would cry. And I don't want it to be a sad thing. I want  to be able to say things to her from heart my without bawling like a baby.

So mom I say to you. ..I know now how afraid you were for me when I was a runaway all those times and how selfish it was for me to have done that. I don't know why I did that! I was angry and rebellious and I didn't know how to "talk" about things. I'm sorry that every time you let me back in I screwed it up.I'm sorry for all the nights you probably cried for me. I am sorry I was an asshole to your husband. I'm sorry for being so disrespectful to you and your feelings. I know you wondered why and asked yourself where had you gone wrong. I need you to know...I know that you did the best you knew how at the time. I just didn't know that then. I need you to know how much I appreciate you never giving up on me. I would not be where I am today had you not! So THANK YOU for that. I just know how much pain you suffered and the tears you cried for my screw ups and I hate that I caused you that pain. I know it was a long time ago and it's ok now. I just want  you to know I always loved you and I would never do anything to hurt you intentionally. My drinking played a big role in all of those younger year decisions too. I drank to hide my feelings and that was how I dealt with things for all those years. I need you to know it wasn't your fault!! I accept responsibility for being a bad child. If it really does come back ten fold with your children I am glad I don't have any!! Don't cry anymore, be happy. You deserve it more than anyone I know.

I love you mom and Buddy!

Pictures

Photography is one of my passions. So in this blog I thought I would try and incorporate pictures. This is really a trial run to see if I am able to figure it out. You will probably be reading this and seeing NO PICS and laughing as will I. Okay here goes first picture insertion...

That worked out alright. Now to position one on the side rather than right in the middle. Hmmm...

I think I've got it!

This is a bald eagle that's hanging out here on the lake where I dwell. He sits up there and looks out over the lake and when I drive by and stop he looks at me and I wonder what he thinks.  Probably nothing. I could look at him for a long time though. His eyes are very clear, light blue. Almost transparent. Like a marble, glassy. Anyway he's cool. Hope you at least like the pictures.

Aw....What the hell,  I could just delete this, but I think I'll post it and now take a break from my new found toy "The Blogger". I have a feeling I could get hooked on this.