TRUST~ reliance on another person or entity.

I know I want to write abit about this word, what it means and how I feel about it. But suddenly I don't "trust" my fingers to say whats in my head. Another word that comes to mind right now is "honesty". I wonder how honest I can be about how I feel about trust! The two words go hand and hand don't they? I mean I can only trust honest people right? I have to be "honest" with myself and "trust" my own instincts.

This trust thing is tricky. Its not healthy to not be able to trust ANYONE. But...its dangerous to trust too much. And we learn one from the other. I mean...Ive trusted too much and learned not too. Now I find I am having trouble trusting and that's proving to be very unhealthy for my relationship, and my sanity!

So...I guess the reason I'm writing about this issue is because.. "It is an issue". I mean it is truly a struggle everyday. But I am determined to let things roll off my back. Ya know, sometimes I think to myself "just trust it, don't worry about it and if your wrong you can worry about it then". But that's just stupid!! If I wait to worry about someone being dishonest after I have trusted them then they will screw me over and it will be MY FAULT! and I will say to myself again "you knew better Cheryl!" But on the other hand.....Think of what I will learn if I trust someone and they are honest and worthy of my trust in them. That is truly the only way I will learn to trust again. To JUST DO IT!

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
Ernest Hemingway

The gray area

Sometimes I think about this area. The "Gray area". I think too many things are black and white. There are always circumstances to every event in life. But I don't think people think about this. Lets see if I can give an example.

I know it's wrong for people to rob and steal, cheat and lie and so forth. But think about this for a minute.

A guy robs a store things get out of control he freaks out and shots someone. Lets see. The guys name is Andy. Andy has been out of work for sometime and has kids to feed. Hes depressed, hes started drinking to deal with it. Hes on probation because hes been in some trouble before. If he gets in trouble again he will go to prison. He has fines, court fees and all kinds of dues to pay (or he will go to jail). He is married has two kids and his wife has been ill for some time and needs medical attention they can't afford. Yes hes made a bad decision to rob a store. He thinks he can get about 500.00 and get food and maybe his wife to a doctor.  He has no other means for money, his family is poor. Hes looked for work and has many applications put in all over the place. Even if he gets a job soon. He needs the money
 YESTERDAY. He has many bills to pay. The electric is off and soon the water will be. He will never do it again and prays to not get caught. Hes made this decision last minute and knows he will regret it but understands at the same time what leads people down this road of robbery...desperation.

Someone walks in the store while hes begging the guy to just hurry up and give him the cash and no one will get hurt. The guy that scares him is a thug with a gun and pulls it out. Afraid for his life Andy  reacts and shoots him. The store owner then pulls a gun and yells at Andy to put down the gun. Now the cops show up and there are bullets flying. Before its over Andy has been wounded and shot two people. Hes going to prison.



Prison from the "outside"



To everyone that knows nothing about Andy, hes a hardened criminal and a murderer that should go to prison for the rest of his life.. To his family he's their brother and husband that in desperation and stupidity got caught up. To the system he should rot in hell. To Andy he's a looser that couldn't provide for his family. His wife will get more ill and not be able to tend to their children. The kids will go to the state. The wife will die. Andy will become a different person in prison and learn an attitude he would have never otherwise and try a few more drugs and ways to cheat and steal too. He may be raped or stabbed while incarcerated. All of these things will change many lives because of his desperate situation and stupid decision. Never the less....To one side of the story hes a bad guy. To the other side hes a good guy that had a bad day, week or life.

There is Always a gray area. Don't be the judge of others.



The Gurney Unit in Tx. (prison)



Yes I know, you would have NEVER done what Andy did! But you also think you will never be in the same predicament. I think being open minded could make this world a better place.

That homeless guy on the corner...You DON'T know how and why he got there. Don't assume you do. The drunk guy on the corner, the guy on the news your screaming at should be strung up by his toes or stoned to death, you DON'T know about the gray area so shut up. Yes I said that! Shut your mouth take a minute and imagine what could have possibly happened for situations to get so bad.

Oh I know there are plenty of bad people that deserve to be in jail for the rest of there lives. But not everyone does. And just because the guy is begging for a quarter doesn't make him a bad person. I think it makes some of us bad people to know we have four quarters in our pockets and cant part with one no matter what the reason!! What do you think were all here for? Two options. To help or hurt? It has to start somewhere.

I'm no Saint either. Just trying to get better. PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION :)

Hillbilly's at Walmart



Remember it pays good



I have a part time job giving out samples on weekends (usually at Walmart Ugh!) I enjoy it because it pays good and that's about the only reason really. I have been taking notice lately of the shoppers. If you have seen those pics online, of Walmart  shoppers that aren't dressed for leaving the house and laughed your ass off....DON'T! It's all true those people live and breath and shop in public like that. Their butts hanging out and everything. Its REAL. I saw three hillbilly's the other day in the produce section and I couldn't help but stare! And they looked oblivious to what I was staring at. I don't know but, there is something different about real people and real hillbilly's.

Ok so then this pleasant older gentleman comes over and  I say " would ya like a sample today sir?" and he goes..."ya I guess, ...I lost my wife". I am thinking ok...he lost her in Walmart or she died, what's the safest thing for me to say here. So I say " How long ago?" and he says " September"! Whew...glad I didn't suggest he go look in the potato chip isle or something stupid!!!

The Graveyard

I was there a few days ago. At this beautiful church named after an Indian tribe called "Seneca Cayuga". It is an old church and burial ground. It has a feeling of resting in peace. I was there last summer hired to take wedding pics. I go there once in awhile when I feel the need to connect with heaven in some way. It gives me the feeling that someone is right there listening to my thoughts. Its right on the lake too.  I watched the bald eagles flying without a care in the world. And I wondered did they know how they had added to the serenity I find there.

It was a sad day for me. I was feeling down and out. All of my own making of course. "They" say (whoever THEY are) that no one else can "make" you feel anyway. We feel how WE feel. I say BULLSHIT! He said something that made me cry! It's an emotion. I can't just decide to not cry. I can however decide how long I will cry. And how long I will be pissed off about it.  This day I chose to wallow in it for a few hours. Then with the amazement of the three eagles and their nest across the lake and  my phone ringing non stop I decided I could continue to live. Someone cared the phone was a sure sign of that. Along with the  combination of the Seneca Cayuga spirits and dancing eagles I would not be joining the dead anytime soon.

I decided I didn't want to live there yet  ........ in the graveyard that is.

You deserve it more than anyone I know :)

What's on my mind today? Family, friends and the most important person in my life! 

One of the things that I have found myself thinking about lately is the people in my life I have wronged. Or hurt their feelings. People I crapped on because I was selfish and self centered. Family that I took for granted. I am doing my best to "right my wrong doings". Making amends, clearing the air, cleaning up my side of the street. Ya know, the hard part most people think is fear of those we have wronged not accepting our apologies or fear of facing those people. For me it is some of that. But mostly I am just learning part of my problem is admitting that I am/was wrong! I think it comes from a feeling of needing to be perfect. From not talking about things when I was growing up. Where I come from you just didn't talk about things. Especially if it's something BIG. It was like if we don't talk about it, it's really not happening or it didn't happen. Which in turn I think made me feel like it wasn't ok for things to go wrong. Like that's why we shouldn't talk about it. We hid things I guess. I don't know why. But I am glad to know that's why I feel the need to not admit I am wrong. Does any of that make sense to anyone else?

So I have been making amends. I have a long list. Some of the folks I feel the need to speak to may not think it's anything that even needs to be brought up. But to me, I have to let them know that I acknowledge my wrong doing and how selfish I was. It makes me feel better to know I am on the right path and want to go forward  and have a clean slate to start being the person I want to be. To leave that old life behind. I feel the need to let people know THAT is not who I am ...THIS is.

In doing this I have realized that one of the most important things I need to do is talk to my mother. Why was she not the first one on my list? I know over the years I have said I am sorry to her for being a brat. But of all the people in the world she put up with more crap from me than anyone. Why? Because shes my mom. She will always be there for me no matter what and so I guess I took that for granted too. I just assumed she knew how regretful and sorry I am for the hurt I have caused her. Lately I have thought about going to her and sitting down and spelling out that I know how much I hurt her when I was younger. I know that it would be very emotional for both of us and we would cry. And I don't want it to be a sad thing. I want  to be able to say things to her from heart my without bawling like a baby.

So mom I say to you. ..I know now how afraid you were for me when I was a runaway all those times and how selfish it was for me to have done that. I don't know why I did that! I was angry and rebellious and I didn't know how to "talk" about things. I'm sorry that every time you let me back in I screwed it up.I'm sorry for all the nights you probably cried for me. I am sorry I was an asshole to your husband. I'm sorry for being so disrespectful to you and your feelings. I know you wondered why and asked yourself where had you gone wrong. I need you to know...I know that you did the best you knew how at the time. I just didn't know that then. I need you to know how much I appreciate you never giving up on me. I would not be where I am today had you not! So THANK YOU for that. I just know how much pain you suffered and the tears you cried for my screw ups and I hate that I caused you that pain. I know it was a long time ago and it's ok now. I just want  you to know I always loved you and I would never do anything to hurt you intentionally. My drinking played a big role in all of those younger year decisions too. I drank to hide my feelings and that was how I dealt with things for all those years. I need you to know it wasn't your fault!! I accept responsibility for being a bad child. If it really does come back ten fold with your children I am glad I don't have any!! Don't cry anymore, be happy. You deserve it more than anyone I know.

I love you mom and Buddy!

Pictures

Photography is one of my passions. So in this blog I thought I would try and incorporate pictures. This is really a trial run to see if I am able to figure it out. You will probably be reading this and seeing NO PICS and laughing as will I. Okay here goes first picture insertion...

That worked out alright. Now to position one on the side rather than right in the middle. Hmmm...

I think I've got it!

This is a bald eagle that's hanging out here on the lake where I dwell. He sits up there and looks out over the lake and when I drive by and stop he looks at me and I wonder what he thinks.  Probably nothing. I could look at him for a long time though. His eyes are very clear, light blue. Almost transparent. Like a marble, glassy. Anyway he's cool. Hope you at least like the pictures.

Aw....What the hell,  I could just delete this, but I think I'll post it and now take a break from my new found toy "The Blogger". I have a feeling I could get hooked on this.