You deserve it more than anyone I know :)

What's on my mind today? Family, friends and the most important person in my life! 

One of the things that I have found myself thinking about lately is the people in my life I have wronged. Or hurt their feelings. People I crapped on because I was selfish and self centered. Family that I took for granted. I am doing my best to "right my wrong doings". Making amends, clearing the air, cleaning up my side of the street. Ya know, the hard part most people think is fear of those we have wronged not accepting our apologies or fear of facing those people. For me it is some of that. But mostly I am just learning part of my problem is admitting that I am/was wrong! I think it comes from a feeling of needing to be perfect. From not talking about things when I was growing up. Where I come from you just didn't talk about things. Especially if it's something BIG. It was like if we don't talk about it, it's really not happening or it didn't happen. Which in turn I think made me feel like it wasn't ok for things to go wrong. Like that's why we shouldn't talk about it. We hid things I guess. I don't know why. But I am glad to know that's why I feel the need to not admit I am wrong. Does any of that make sense to anyone else?

So I have been making amends. I have a long list. Some of the folks I feel the need to speak to may not think it's anything that even needs to be brought up. But to me, I have to let them know that I acknowledge my wrong doing and how selfish I was. It makes me feel better to know I am on the right path and want to go forward  and have a clean slate to start being the person I want to be. To leave that old life behind. I feel the need to let people know THAT is not who I am ...THIS is.

In doing this I have realized that one of the most important things I need to do is talk to my mother. Why was she not the first one on my list? I know over the years I have said I am sorry to her for being a brat. But of all the people in the world she put up with more crap from me than anyone. Why? Because shes my mom. She will always be there for me no matter what and so I guess I took that for granted too. I just assumed she knew how regretful and sorry I am for the hurt I have caused her. Lately I have thought about going to her and sitting down and spelling out that I know how much I hurt her when I was younger. I know that it would be very emotional for both of us and we would cry. And I don't want it to be a sad thing. I want  to be able to say things to her from heart my without bawling like a baby.

So mom I say to you. ..I know now how afraid you were for me when I was a runaway all those times and how selfish it was for me to have done that. I don't know why I did that! I was angry and rebellious and I didn't know how to "talk" about things. I'm sorry that every time you let me back in I screwed it up.I'm sorry for all the nights you probably cried for me. I am sorry I was an asshole to your husband. I'm sorry for being so disrespectful to you and your feelings. I know you wondered why and asked yourself where had you gone wrong. I need you to know...I know that you did the best you knew how at the time. I just didn't know that then. I need you to know how much I appreciate you never giving up on me. I would not be where I am today had you not! So THANK YOU for that. I just know how much pain you suffered and the tears you cried for my screw ups and I hate that I caused you that pain. I know it was a long time ago and it's ok now. I just want  you to know I always loved you and I would never do anything to hurt you intentionally. My drinking played a big role in all of those younger year decisions too. I drank to hide my feelings and that was how I dealt with things for all those years. I need you to know it wasn't your fault!! I accept responsibility for being a bad child. If it really does come back ten fold with your children I am glad I don't have any!! Don't cry anymore, be happy. You deserve it more than anyone I know.

I love you mom and Buddy!